One of the things that is often a bit of a delicate element of hooking up with someone, is not knowing in advance whether or not you're looking for the same thing past the hookup. Maybe you've been hooking up with someone who seems a little more into you than you're into them.
Are you worried that your hookup is going to get too attached to you? We'll guide you through the process of how to tell someone you only want to hook up.
Even if you're just in it for a fun night or two, you should still be respectful of the feelings of anyone that you hook up with. Sex means different things to everyone, but it's inarguable that for most people, there's an emotional element to sex, whether you're looking for a longterm relationship or not. The intimacy that comes with sex is one of the best things about it. So be sure that even if you're not looking for more than a hookup, you aren't rude or disrespectful of your hookup.
The best and easiest way to go about telling someone you only want to hook up is being honest and upfront with them. If you hook up, and they suggest you hook up again, but it seems more like they're suggesting that you date, read the temperature of the situation. You typically won't need to tell someone you've just hooked up with for the first time that you only want to hook up. Until things get 'datey', you're only hooking up. Just make sure you keep an eye on things. If you get a sense that your hookup is looking to do couples activities, you can be straightforward with them and gently tell them that you're having an amazing time with them, but that you're not looking for a relationship, and you hope that they're cool with that, because you want to keep hooking up. Either they'll be fine with that, or they won't be. After that, it's up to you to decide how you want to proceed.
There are a lot of different things in play when it comes to hook ups, and letting them know where you're at, in order to be on the same page in terms of expectations. That's the quickest and easiest way to go about telling someone, but let's take a deeper dive into other situations that you could find yourself in, or options that you have to help you make yourself clear and understood right off the bat.
A lot of people use hook ups as a form of escape, but sex is also a very adult activity, and the majority of the people who have sex regularly, are mature adults, who have hooked up with many people before they've hooked up with you. If you're worried about what your partner might say or do when you tell them that you aren't looking for a relationship, and that you only want to hook up, keep in mind that they've almost certainly had someone tell them that before. So even if they're disappointed, it's probably not going to ruin their life.
If they're on the same page as you, you can continue hooking up casually. If they're not, and they definitely want a relationship rather than random hookups, then sex with you can be a "one and done" situation. By asking right off the bat, you save yourself so much stress, and so much drama.
It might end the arrangement, but do you really want to be hooking up with someone who has different goals anyway? Sex can be so effected by whatever is running through your head, so if you have any errant thoughts about not being on the same page with your hookup, and worrying about needing to have an awkward conversation afterwards, it's probably going to have some sort of impact on both your sexual performance, as well as your enjoyment of the hook up!
This is connected with the last point, but the importance of not beating around the bush (no pun intended) when it comes to communicating your desires with your hookup partner can't be overstated. Just like most things in life, sex is improved 9 out of 10 times when you make sure that you and your partner are looking for the same thing. It will allow you to be much more relaxed, and also help you in understanding what your partner wants from you.
If you think about all of the repeat hookups that you've had, there's probably been good communication involved. If there wasn't, and one of you was bad at telling the other what they want, the sex would be awkward, and probably not worth going back for seconds, thirds, or more.
Meeting people is hard for some people. Heck, it's hard for a lot of people. That's why we sometimes find ourselves considering the idea of hooking up with friends and co-workers, even though we know that there usually ends up being a bit too much drama to balance the friendship, work relationship, and hook ups properly. Things can (and tend to) get messy.
If you're hooking up with a friend or co-worker, the potential for tension or crossed wires is surprisingly higher than if you were hooking up with a stranger that you met at a club. If you only want to hook up with said friend or co-worker, you should probably tell them in advance of the first time you have sex. If you don't, it's not the end of the world, but you need to be very open afterwards, and make sure that you're both only looking for casual hookups. Many people don't think that hooking up with a co-worker is worth the risk of creating drama in your workplace, and many believe that it's better to not sleep with friends, in order to maintain the friendship. We think that so long as you both know what the other is looking for, neither is a bad idea. Of course there's risk involved with both situations, but some of the best things in life require a little bit of risk. It keeps things exciting.
If for some reason, the idea of telling someone that you only want to hook up with them is paralyzing to you, and you'd rather just avoid it altogether, internet dating apps and websites are your friend. These sites have come so far that they actually eliminate the need to tell someone that you don't want to date them. When you're creating your profile, you can simply put in your profile that you aren't looking for a relationship. That you're looking for casual hookups, and that's it. Even though some people might think that they're avoiding relationships for unique reasons, we assure you that there are others who're looking for the same thing, and more often than not, for somewhat similar reasons.
Instead of hooking up with people whose desires, you don't know, you can stick to only hooking up with people looking for the same thing as you. No fuss. No muss.
Things have been pretty straightforward and easy to deal with up to this point, but here's a potential situation that you could find yourself in, that could force you to make some extremely difficult decisions. If you find yourself hooking up with someone who is perhaps hotter than you think you deserve, and that completely rocks your world every time you hook up, but who also wants more from you than casual hookups, you have a tough decision to make. A very tough decision indeed. You of course understand that if you tell this person that you're not looking for a relationship, you run the risk of the hookups stopping. But f the sex is incredible, of course you don't want it to stop. Having great sex is the whole point of hooking up, right? Unfortunately, it's not the only thing that needs to be considered. If all you're looking for is sex, you're getting everything that you want out of the situation. Every one of your needs are being satisfied. If your partner however is looking for more, even if they're enjoying the sex as much as you are, they're being left with some of their needs and desires unsatisfied. If you don't tell them that you're not interested in an emotional element to your relationship, then you're probably leading them on to believe that you're dating. That's not okay. If a romantic relationship, and finding a partner to share their life with is important to them, you're taking advantage of them, and also wasting their time.
This is why it's so important to be upfront and direct with hookups when you first start seeing each other. Once you put someone's feelings at risk of being hurt, you're dishonoring the unspoken agreement that you entered with the person when you first started hooking up. Good sex is based on trust. So even if you're able to hide the truth for a while, and continue to enjoy the great sex at the expense of your partner's feelings, the day will eventually come where you have to come clean. They'll ask you why you don't go out like real couples, or maybe ask you where you see the two of you in a year. Imagine how awful you'll feel when you get caught trying to lie, or if you come clean way later than you know you should have.
Good sex is everywhere, so don't ever lie to your hook up partner just to extend the number of times you hook up. If you have different desires than a partner, discuss them, and see if there's a compromise to be had. If you decide that there isn't, then it's time to part ways, and find yourself some new hookups.
If you're looking for tips on how to tell someone that you only want to hook up, we're going to guess that you haven't had even a cursory conversation to talk about your wants. If that's the case, why are you nervous? In most cases, it's because you assume that your hook up partner wants more than just sex. Is that assumption based on anything more than just your partner's gender though? There's a longstanding stereotype that men are all in it for the sex, and that women are looking for their Prince Charming; someone to settle down with, get married, and have babies with. It's a pretty silly thing to project on women in general. Sure, that IS what some women want, but there are plenty of women out there who don't want those things. Don't ever let someone's gender make you assume you know what they want. When you assume that your hookup would take you telling them you're only looking to hook up, poorly, it means that you think that they're more into you than you're into them. That might be the case, but if you're only just hooking up with them for the first or second time, how would you even know? Because they're being nice to you, maybe. That's how you're supposed to treat a hook up. Your odds of getting laid are increased substantially if you're pleasant to the person you're trying to sleep with. So if someone is trying to get in your pants, then they're most likely also going to seem like they like you a lot. They do! They like you enough to have sex with you. Don't get it twisted though. This brings us back to the easiest way to avoid any potential weirdness. If you simply have the conversation when you're starting to hook up with someone, you avoid all of this drama and hurt feelings.
Something else that we've found is that sometimes the assumption that their hook up partner wants more than just sex, is a subconscious way of creating the illusion that someone wants them. An illusion that they use to feel good about themselves, but then in order to not risk finding out the truth, they act as though this illusion is the truth, and that they're the one who doesn't want a relationship, when deep down they do. It's probably not that deep, but it's a possibility, and definitely something that we've experienced in our past hookups. So keep it in mind. Many people push away the affection of others because their past has created a feeling within them that they're not worthy of love, so they keep all of their relationships at arm's length. This unfortunate feeling is often created by some sort of trauma, or betrayal by someone that the person trusted (like a parent or former lover). Keeping others at an emotional distance, and keeping their sexual relationships on the casual side of things is a way to keep their guard up, and avoid any potential hurt. You might be worried that if you say to your hookup, that you only want to hook up, they'll laugh at you, and say that of course that's all they want too. This could trigger thoughts wondering why they wouldn't want to date you, and your feelings could be at risk of being hurt. It's a neurotic and sad way of thinking, but it's more common than you might think. In the same way that we get over rejection through the process of being repeatedly rejected through our lives, you will also become much more comfortable talking about what you expect from a hook up, without fear of any sort of hurt feelings. So next time you think you're hooking up with someone whose end game is a mystery to you, take our advice, and just ask them what they're looking for. You never know; they might end up telling you that they're looking for everything that you're looking for, but have been too nervous to tell anyone before. Worst case scenario is that you're not looking for the same thing, and you part ways, without any hurt feelings, and having avoided any sort of serious emotional damage. If you're not looking to get attached, feel freed by the fact that every time you let a partner know as much, you're making sure that you're only hooking up with people who want what you want. That's a win/win if you ask us. Happy hook ups! Don't let anyone get too attached.